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wFriday, March 22, 2002 |
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do you ever get excited so much so that you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think of anything else? it's one of the greatest feelings in the world. i've started feeling like this more and more lately. hope i don't use up all of life's goodness. that would suck.
there won't be anything added this weekend. GT is playing in a water polo tournament at the University of Florida. maybe i'll put something up sunday. we'll just hafta see how things go....
posted by
yeah...about that... at 2:30 PM
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wThursday, March 21, 2002 |
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Expectations....
i have a lot of those. i think. all i know is that whenever i expect something good's gonna happen, it usually comes out bad, or maybe just not as good as i expected. we've all felt this way at some point in our life, i'm sure. maybe a package in the mail, a grade on an exam...stuff like that. pondering this query, i decided to ask the smartest man in the world. perhaps Mr. Webster could shed a little light on my predicament.
Webster defines "expectations" as "the act or state of expecting." hmmm...should have expected that. it's a weird thing about smart guys; they always seem to answer your question, but never in a way that helps you. so i played along and looked up "expect."
ex*pect (ik-'spekt) v. to anticipate or look forward to the coming of occurrence of; to consider probable or certain.
hmmm...that thing i said about smart guys? yeah, that goes here again. apparently there is no connotation good or bad connected to expect. i always thought of it as an optimistic look toward a potential occurrence.
so maybe i don't expect things. maybe i hope for things. hope, i believe, implies little certainty but suggests confidence or assurance in the possibility that what one desires or longs for will happen.
another thought. does anyone expect anything then? or do they just hope for things? expectations can't be based on a level of certainty, because nothing is certain. anything can happen. absolutely anything can happen at any moment in time.
yeah...so um, i guess i'm done rambling. ya gotta love semantics.
oh, and if you wanna go into the fact that there are multiple definitions for expect and hope, go ahead...but i have better things to do than listen to you tell me my thougts are wrong.
**************************************
eyes shifted downward
head bent over
shoulders slumped
one hand fumbling along the seam of my pants
downtrodden without hope
i stand not as a whole, but a collection of pieces
she didnt even say goodbye
posted by
yeah...about that... at 1:45 PM
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wWednesday, March 20, 2002 |
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In case you missed it, the most enlightening and satisfying event took place today at the bus stop on the corner of Howell Mill and Collier. I honestly did a double take just to make sure it was really happening.
There he stood. Extremely tall, dark dirty skin, tattered clothes - he'd make an impression on anyone. His face told stories without saying a word, as if each wrinkle or crease on his weathered face carried with it an inspiring tale. He carried with him an old walking stick, and a few bags full of clothes you might find behind a Salvation Army store. Not someone I would usually interact with, I didnt even notice him at first. My gaze passed over him like he wasn't even there.
And there sat another man, on the bench - a working man in a blue suit with a bright yellow tie, looking a little anxious to be somewhere else.
It was obvious the two had never met before, each staying to his own claimed area. The tall man standing pacing back and forth, but not seeming to be in a hurry to go anywhere. Rather, he seemed to be enjoying just being. And as he swayed from side to side, i noticed in his grasp what appeared to be this man's sole food supply - a 2 foot long beef jerky stick.
I was sitting in my car, anxious myself for the stoplight to change so i could continue on my way. And as i glanced around, singing along with my cd player, i saw it....
The man in the tattered rags, who seemed so destitute and worn and tired, who carried with him all his personal belongings in two plastic bags, who i didnt even have the mind to notice at first glance...that man, offered a piece of his malnutritious lunch to the man in the suit.
just like that...it happened.
and i kind of gave a short laugh in disbelief. suffice it to say the man in the suit refused the greasy snack, but that's not important. what is important is that this man, who appears to have almost nothing was still willing to share how little he had with someone else. and it made me feel good.
but why should i feel any satisfaction in a man's generosity to another, when i am not the primary recipient? i should feel guilty. i should feel guilty that i have a lot, relatively speaking, and i don't share it with anyone. i've always been the type to share something when prodded or asked directly, but never of my own volition.
but i think i know the reason for my personal satisfaction at having witnessed such a charitable event. it confirms my belief that people, on the whole, are good people. and that we, as a society and civilization, are good people. granted, two people could never be representative of an entire society in a study. but i saw what i saw, and i felt what i felt. and it made me happy....
**************************************
i wasn't in a very creative mood today, so no new writings today.....
posted by
yeah...about that... at 2:38 PM
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wTuesday, March 19, 2002 |
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hmmm....it makes me think, what you said, or rather, didnt say. words are a powerful tool and should only be used with care. they can do as much harm written as said.
opinions are crazy things.
when i think about things, events are undoubtedly biased. it is from only my mind and my opinions that my thoughts are spawned. so anytime i begin a subjective sentence with i think, i am merely expressing my opinion. and in no way is one opinion more right or more wrong than another. this journal is the epitome of that. everything said in here is what i think. i don't pretend to know the inner workings of the cogs of life. i just want to share my view on life. why don't you? tell us how you see things, or what you think. everyone's thoughts are invaluable. share them. share them more often than you do now. so much of life is missed because someone else's opinion is misunderstood. this leads to mass confusion. everyone's been in this situation. think about it. you like a certain guy/girl, but you're not sure if they like you back. now the odds are good that the object of your desires thinks they are being obvious one way or the other, but you still don't see it. wouldn't things be easier if someone walked up to you, gave you a huuuge hug, and said "you give me a feeling no one else does. you are all i think about. the stars at night, or the perfect sunset, none of this compares to you. i want you to know i feel this way about you, and regardless of whether or not you feel the same way, know that you have my heart and soul, and my love for you is undying for eternity." now granted, by saying "the stars at night, or the perfect sunset" you're being redundant, but there are some who would argue that dusk is technically not night, so i don't mind using it. and it does sound a little cheesy, but hey....it's honest, and sincere, and totally truthful minus the embellishment that your love was eternally undying. unless you believe in an afterlife or reincarnation or something like that. most importantly, however, is that it is direct. this, of course, is true provided that you say it to the person or pass this along to someone in a note or some other way where only that one individual at that one moment in time is reading/hearing it. only then will they truly have no doubts it was meant for them. you can't put something like this on your web page or even an away message on instant messenger or anything like that. those are mediums to which basically anyone has access.
and since everyone has a tendency to give good advice and not actually follow their own advice, i declare myself exempt from having to tell anyone directly how i feel. if we've gone out, then she'll know me pretty well. she'll just know how i feel. there's no road map to my heart. it's a cliff that suddenly appears. take the plunge....
and peep this, yo...maybe garth brooks wasn't a complete moron. one of his songs is the sole support for this musing, anything i could say extra woudl merely take away from it.
"If Tomorrow Never Comes" - Garth Brooks
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
yeah....i'll just finish with that
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
maybe she'll read into all the things i've said
and maybe she'll finally understand how i feel
and maybe i'll be the guy she's looking for
and maybe i can give her everything she needs
and maybe things will be great because we'll be together......
or maybe not
posted by
yeah...about that... at 6:58 PM
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i'm in a weird mood today. i'm actually motivated to get things done. dunno how that happened. usually i put things off as long as possible, but not today. one of my pet peeves has always been people saying they'll do something, but then not following through. a lame example would be someone saying they're coming over to my house at 10, let's say. now, they're not required to be there at 10. as far as i'm concerned, they could show up five hours late or not at all. the key lies in them saying that they'll be here five hours later or something came up and they're not coming at all. no problem. but if they say they'll be there at 10 and don't show....they're wasting my time. granted, to them, whatever they're doing is more important than what i'm doing. that's just how people are. i'd delve into freud or skinner or some other psychiatric guy, but like i said, i'm getting a C in my psychology class...i don't really pay attention. but basically, people think of themselves as number one, and worry about everyone else in different orders after that. and i understand this, which is why i doesn't piss me off if someone cancels our plans. but would you mind letting me move on with my life and call me? let me know you're not coming. i'd give people a thousand dollars each time they showed this little bit of courtesy if i could afford it.
man, courtesy...there's a concept. this kinda ties in with what i just said, so bear with me. i've always been rather utopian at heart. i always try to look for the best in people or see something in someone that most people don't notice. basically, it comes down to this: i try to think about the needs of others first. well, not entirely....if i'm gonna get physically hurt because of it, i might reconsider. so to be extreme, it's fair to say that everyone is an egoist. but generally, i think of other people first. try this at home: thinking back on what you did today, just try to recognize what you thought about: gotta drive to school, gotta go to class, gotta buy groceries, gotta buy mom's birthday present, gotta study, gotta eat, gotta walk the dog...whatever. there are a billion minutes a day (some say 1440, but it's all relative). out of the list above, or the list you made, i'll make a generous estimate and say that one hour is spent each day doing something for someone else. that leaves 23 hours (1380 out of 1440 minutes) that we're left to ourselves.....surely you're not sooo self important that you can't take some of that time and put it to better use. i'd start talking about money....but it's a different thought completely. so we won't go there. anyway, i'm going to use some of my ME minutes and study, so i can do stuff later.....or something like that.
*****************************************
i was in a strange place once. i couldn't figure out how i got to that station in my life. so i started to ask questions....can't say it gave me an answer, but i didn't feel so lost.
with blind eyes i seek your favor
with a lost heart i seek your compassion
with a drowning soul i seek your hand
with a prosperous spirit i seek your fellowship
lost in a world that passes me by
lost all alone for i don't know why
i've become lost in a world that doesn't care
and now i'm supposed to go where exactly?
what to do? what to do? what to do?
who do i turn to?
where do i find what i need?
why aren't they there for me?
shunned by my peers, i trod along
humming in my head an original song
that tells of two lovers lost in their prime
their voices unheard, i make do with mine
travelling alone in pain and sorrow
i am approached day by day
by those who couldn't care, and are just being nice
why do they bother?
what do they get out of it?
why do they try to understand the thought circling my mind?
here's a button, you deserve it. that's all.
what to do?
where to go?
what will i do to survive?
in a world full of people,
how do i show them i'm alive?
no place in their life,
i offer them nothing but my company.
worng advice. wrong advice. wrong advice.
i have doubt.
so full of life in an untapped keg
forced on my knees to kneel and beg
i want to belong in this life they lead
for they are the ones with what i need.
to belong: is that all i need?
to be a part of: is that all i want?
to be a follower: is that best for me?
why am i here? i serve no purpose.
i won't end it now.
i'll pull my way through
seriousness. do i buy into it?
is it right?
i need it to survive.
it is the 6th element.
earth, wind, water, fire, air....and now this.
who cares?
it is unrevealed to me.
why would they tell me what to do?
they are just like the others.
all of them together
against me.
should i love it?
should i cry?
will i hit a point where it'll be too much?
is that what's right?is that my desire?
what is it that i desire?
whom do i call?
color plays no role in myu life
lest it be shading in the images
of the visions of myself
who cares?
if you really think about it,
who really cares?
no one. and that's all there is....
posted by
yeah...about that... at 1:33 PM
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i had a dream last night that i was archibutyrophobic. it was horrible. there i was, sitting in my living room, enjoying a tasty snack when my world was flipped upside down. i felt like the walls were closing in on me, my vision got blurry, i couldn't manage but a couple shallow breaths. and, as if time had stopped still, i flashed back to my childhood. i could blame this phobia on my mom, because technically it is her fault. she introduced me to this mortal debilitator. man, and i thought mom's knew everything...well, mine at least. it was always "eat your vegetables, stevie. you wanna grow to be big and strong, dontcha?"....um, not exactly like that, but you get my drift. so i stood trapped, panicking wishing it would just all end and put me out of my misery. i started pawing at my mouth. damn my large hands and large feet (ahem). always gettin in the way. who would've thought they'd be the end of me. my mouth was parched, my tongue was of no use. it lied there like a fish out of water. aching for that which would satiate it and fix the problem...but then, as if by God, a hand appeared. it reached toward me, and in its grasp was a glass of some cool, milky white liquid...not so creamy, but of a watery consistency. and with it, a voice. "dammit kid, drink your milk and wash down that peanut butter. you're not dying. sheesh...kids and their antics...."
***********************************************
every day is one day nearer
every hour one hour closer
every minute one minute less
every second an eternity
i know what you said to him
i saw what you did
and it appears that you don't
crushed by boulders
there he lies
the stories he tells
the things that he implies
you have to make it right
you have to straighten things out
you shouldn't have done what you did
soon you'll be without
you'll recieve what you dealt
that pain that he felt
and soon you'll figure out why
all he ever did was cry...
posted by
yeah...about that... at 9:05 AM
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hmmm...just thinking
*************************************************
i've asked people if this changes things, and received an answer i was hoping would remain silent. of all the things that could've happened, no one could've guessed that a secret flame i hid for what seems so long ago would still be burning now. she makes me want to be a better person even though she doesn't expect anything from me. at least that's how i feel. man. just staring into her eyes, her mind, her heart; i'm lost in her. a glance from those emerald lenses leaves me feeling nothing but warmth and comfort. and i'm content just gazing into her eyes for as long as she allows. and her hair. an extension - no that's not it - an overflow of her inner beauty stretched in a long flowing mane. pure silk lain out in strands of careless perfection. how my hand aches just to reach out, my fingers just to touch. and the feel of her hand in mine. holding, caressing, loving. nothing can replace the feeling of one loving hand in another. and her delicate white skin, so smooth and soft. how can i help but want to touch her? and her smile, and her lips, and her kiss.........
posted by
yeah...about that... at 12:52 AM
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wMonday, March 18, 2002 |
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apparently, a person develops, no, becomes more of an individual in college. i must confess, i have found myself in more "grown up" situations during my tenure here at school. but see, now i'm confusing being an individual with growing older. and while it's not always the case, i feel safe in saying it is the trend. anyway, i was discussing being an individual with a female friend this evening on the greatest communication tool known to man...Instant Messenger. basically our conversation was as follows: she was saying how different i was from her other friends. and i, of course, being the way i am, took it as a compliment. i went on a lengthy diatribe discussing how boring conversations (and the world) would be if everyone were the same. i believe the example i used was a couple of guys sitting around and one guy says "hey, i like this." and the other guy says "i agree." now honestly, can you imagine everyone agreeing on everything? everyone would think the same, talk the same, wear the same clothes....of course, here i am excluding the fraternity uniform that so many young men adorn in their semi-homoerotic friend-buying cliques...you know what i'm talking about...the blue button-up long-sleeved shirt with semi-conservative tie in school colors and khaki pants with their brown sketchers.....i'd go off here on a fraternal tangent, but that's not my thought for today...maybe next time.
anyway, back on topic...society would suffer immensely if everyone enjoyed the same things. it is the differences that make people interesting to others. hence, society is constantly learning new things and enjoying the differences in other people. my example here was the same two guys sitting around and the first one saying "dude, that brunette Veronica is hella-hot....what i would't give for one night of consensual sex with her." the second guy, growing up in south florida (ie. latina heaven) has grown up surrounded by brunettes and consequently is enamored by the strange golden hues atop Betty's head. his reply to joe's empty declaration of true love goes something like "she's ok, i guess. but did you see Betty, yo? she's where it's at, man....totally smokin...definitely."
my point here lies in the fact that perhaps joe hadn't really noticed betty. the fact that bob had a different opinion, opened a whole new door to joe...yeah, so um, this is kinda lame....besides, i'm gettin a C in psychology...what do i know about how people think?
man...i went totally off topic...as our conversation progressed, i realized how often we, me in this case, contradict ourselves. how hard it is sometimes to live life the way we wish to live. another part of our conversation was how people try to be different just for the sake of being different. i tend to be this way, so i don't think it's such a bad thing. but, again, i must confess, i have worn the preppy costume of khaki pants and solid colored polo shirt on occasion. so trying to be different doesn't always seem to be representative of my lifestyle....and if you think about it there were always those groups in high school ..you know what i mean. there were the jocks who were all the same. and punks with their pierced ears and dyed hair, not to be confused with the skaters.....so in fact, no one's completely different. we're just the same as fewer people. and um...that's it i guess...totally random stuff that doesn't flow....but hey, that's me
so i think i'll add an original "writing" with every entry..."poems" stereotypically contain a feminine connotation, so i'll use "writing". who am i to go against the norm?
this one's about this girl i liked (go figure) who, after i gave her a "writing" about how i felt, proceeded to stand there with a blank look on her face....yeah, so um, here goes....
drowning in a sea of people
i find myself all alone
searching for answers
to questions left unsaid
a crashing tsunami of voices
drowns out my feeble cry for help
and so there i remain
a forgotten soul lost in a sea of self-indulgence
a day earlier and i would be safe in your loving arms
yesterday i was falling victim to your charm
oh what i wouldn't give to take it all back
for what you've done has caused me so much harm
you wouldn't believe
the day before the day before today
so trustingly did i open myself up to you
so vulnerable and defenseless did i become
so swiftly did you pierce my heart with an arrow of your indifference
i told myself i shouldn't do it
and i told myself that it would bring us ever closer
and i died laughing when you killed me today
and i died inside when you killed me today
for what you've done will take time to repair
and still i long to show you how much i care
for only then will you begin to see
there is so much more there
you wouldn't believe
1/10/00 (wow...two years ago...)
posted by
yeah...about that... at 11:06 PM
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wsleepless nights... |
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thoughts and musings and quandries that plague my mind....
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| wget in the now |
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| name: Steve |
| what's my sign: Aquarius |
| school: Georgia Tech |
| AIM: cage fiend |
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| today is February 22 |
| the time is 4:52 AM |
feeling 
| | wearing: workout clothes |
| eating: nothing |
| drinking: water |
| today's plans: get through today, and the next, and the next... |
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