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wThursday, July 18, 2002 |
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so this guy seen here has my name....
now even though this guy was a West Point graduate, a Vietnam war veteran with a couple of Bronze Stars, and a life long sailor, he spends his time these days building ponds.....
he's gone soft...i could take him
posted by
yeah...about that... at 7:35 PM
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hmmm...
so some of my friends have classified me as "fair weather" and "selfish." it has been brought to my attention that i use people only when it is advantageous to me or i hang out with them so long as there is NOTHING else to do. some may laugh at the absurdity of these remarks, but i am not some. for it seems that in the past few weeks, i, steve, have slipped a little. i have loosened the bonds of friendship i once held so dear in an effort to expand and grow and such. and in the process of said expansion and growth i have slowly drifted from those that mean the most to me, and that just isn't very nice indeed. and i've always wondered how some people can get away with doing wrong/bad things and never having to say "i'm sorry," but it turns out that doesn't apply to me. i can't do it. i tried...believe me, i tried...i made an honest effort to not apologize for my wrongdoings to demonstrate to others how their doing said wrongdoings sans apology made me feel. but i'm not good at that. i can't do it.
and there are those who will look at this and say it's a bunch of bull (which it's not, by the way...in all cerealness) and that i'm just doing this to smooth things over in a most pathetic way, and if that's the case, well....i'm kinda at a loss for words. cuz i messed up. and they called me on it. and the past few days have almost completely sucked knowing that they feel this way. and maybe it's selfish of me to not want my days to suck, but i'd do pretty much whatever it takes to get what i had back. but in doing so, will i be excluding myself from those i have been around as of late? i think so. this double edged sword cuts both ways, and by being with some, i am hurting others, and by being with others, i am hurting some.
and then there's the ever popular "well, why don't you just combine the some and others to make things easier?" hmmm...good point. first off, i've never been that way. i've always had things separate. i even eat my food on my plate, one food type at a time. second, everyone seems so set in their ways, that introducing others (or some) into the some (or other) setting would lead to a catastrophic disaster or just a boring night. and that's no fun.
but i think it's too late. the damage has been done, and i really think it's too late. it happened before, and it took almost a year to get things back. well, a year from now and i'm graduated, and it'll be time to move on again. and then what? this viscious circle returns, um, full circle and i have to pick and choose what i do with whom again. and it sucks. i pull myself in all directions trying to experience new and varying challenges, and that which keeps me sane and down to earth pulls at me and it feels like they're trying to deprive me of said new experiences.
but that's not even it. cuz if you asked, they'd say no. and i'd say no. and we'd both be right. and this whole thing pisses me off because i know there's a simple solution to this ordeal, and it shouldn't even be called an ordeal cuz it's not...it's my problem that i've created and blown up to be some big...thing.
*sigh*
so now i am conscious of all that i do, or some of anyway (either way it's more than before)....and i think about it's effect on the relationships i have with everyone around me. and that's a lot of people...which is good. but i messed up, and i'm dumb.....and that's bad...real bad
so, for those who've had to deal with me lately, this is for you....
posted by
yeah...about that... at 7:22 PM
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wWednesday, July 17, 2002 |
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today's rating: notsogood
yeah, i'll get into later, when i figure out what i wanna say
posted by
yeah...about that... at 8:09 PM
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wSunday, July 14, 2002 |
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apparently, more people read this crap than i thought. i just needed a place i could write down what's been goin on, but i never thought people would actually waste their time reading it.
oh well, i am posting this in a public forum. so logically, pretty much anyone can read what i write. eh, whatcha gonna do? it'd be dumb for me to censor my thoughts or not put something on here just because i was afraid of what someone else would think about me. cuz then what's the point of all this?
so if you got somethin to say about somethin that i had to say, say it...it would be most pleasurable to myself to hear the opinions of others, otherwise i'm just talkin to myself on this thing.
posted by
yeah...about that... at 4:01 PM
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stop the world, i want to get off.
saturday was waaaaay too much for me. it started out around midnite watchin movies and stuff. i think i got to bed around five. i get up at 11, eat lunch at a friend's apartment, then drive 30 minutes to play in an ultimate frisbee tournament. hot, humid, muggy...the weather could not have been any worse to be running around in all day. i think we were done around 7 or so. i get home, kinda fall asleep, and wake up thirty minutes later totally exhausted. so i'm sittin there in my room debating whether or not to call my friends and cancel our plans for the night, but having not hung out with them in a while, i decide to go anyway. hop in my car, drive in a light rain 15 minutes to their apartment. stupid me takes a turn a little too tight, and starts to hydroplane across the road. my back wheels start to fishtail, so i turn the wheel to correct the skid. then swing the wheel back the other way to get going in the right direction again, and begin fishtailing again. this kept goin on two or three more times...it was a truly exciting 20 seconds. eventually i smashed my front end into the guard rail and found myself on the shoulder of the road facing the wrong way.
pause.
i think i sat there for a minute lookin around. no cars in sight. fortunately, there were no cars around me when i was putting on my own version of Fast and the Furious. no windows were broken, no air bag explosion, no blood, no scrapes, no broken steve...
whew.
i get out of the car, always ready to jump out of the way should an oncoming car feel the need to veer off the road exactly where i am standing. checking out the front of my car, my front hood is tacoed (folded in half), my left turn signal still working but dangling like an eyeball hanging out of the socket by the optic nerve, left headlight is out and totaly busted, the front bumper minor scrapes but no real dents... on the road behind my car i found a couple of pieces of the front end that had somehow managed to explode off my car and magically, um, end up behind me....yeah, um, i just threw 'em in the trunk.
it's ok...it's just a car...
i'm not hurt, and that's all that matters, right? i mean, i'd like to think that i'm more valuable than my car. seriously, a '96 Ford Escort can only be worth, what? like 20 bucks? and i've gotta be at least 24....maybe now i'll have to experience the great public transportation system that is MARTA.
oh yeah, and it was the 13th of the month....stupid superstitions...
and how was your day?
posted by
yeah...about that... at 3:43 PM
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wsleepless nights... |
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thoughts and musings and quandries that plague my mind....
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| wget in the now |
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| name: Steve |
| what's my sign: Aquarius |
| school: Georgia Tech |
| AIM: cage fiend |
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| today is February 22 |
| the time is 4:52 AM |
feeling 
| | wearing: workout clothes |
| eating: nothing |
| drinking: water |
| today's plans: get through today, and the next, and the next... |
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